Dollopween 9: Creepy Families

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Dollop episodes about creepy families:


Episode 2: Purity Balls
I don’t have a problem with openly discussing sexual mores within the family. Or open, healthy discourse about religion within and between families. Or evangelical Christianity. (I am a born Episcopalian at heart, trying to figure out what to call myself–Jesus follower? So I get it, everyone’s faith road is different.)

This is where I draw the line, where I think it gets creepy, and slides right into Dollopweentown–and yes, I mean I am scared:

Give Daddy a Kiss
Give Daddy a Kiss
  1. Cheek! Kiss him on the cheek! Stand up! Why are you sitting?
  2. And where are you sitting? Those cinder blocks look like jail, or juvenile detention, or Uncle Larry’s special hideaway basement of secrets.

And here’s another line I draw:

Purity Ball: Dancing around the crossThis smells too much of The Wicker Man, seasoned with Harvest Home. No. Nononononononono.

We started at God loves you, took a screeching two-wheels left turn, and ended up at a fertility rite that will end in a sacrifice.

Guess what happens to the girls (and boys, don’t forget) who have to confess to the entire assembly that they broke their vow?

Think about that sentence, block everything out but this picture, and look at the little girls in white with their arms raised. Can you hear the rhythmic chanting yet?

Yes, you can. That cross they are preparing will soon be red.


Episode 7. Vampire Panic

This one is easy peasy lemon queasy.

Picture this. Your sister dies. It’s horrible. You are not only grieving her, and the loss of several other family members, but you have to worry about yourself and others possibly dying, contracting the same wasting disease…

…or being bitten by your undead sister. You say tomato, I say…

So your extended family wants to help you out. So they dig up your sister, pulverize her heart, prepare a drink from it and some herbs, and you are forced by your kin to drink a Sister Smoothie. Put that in your protein powder and kale and choke on it.


Episode 8: The Dolphin

You have to hang on through Mr. Toad’s Wild Rise to get to the creepy family in this one, because one, o God paging Dr. Crazy, and two, dolphin sex. DOLPHIN SEX. No, the crazy family is in the implied epilogue and aftermath. The researcher who lived with and had sexual relations with the dolphin for Dr. Lilly’s “research” married the only other person to witness this horror show, the photographer.

So, the guy who filmed Wet Apartment in the name of science then married the porn star research assistant.

Wait for that day in school…

“So, how did your parents meet?”

Not. Enough. Therapy.

Either a pocketful of salt water taffy lies…or an entire school with sexual acting-out problems and aquaphobia and thalassophobia. Chaos.

Good times.


Episode 11: Lobotomy

Two families in this one, but both make me so angry that I have difficulty being amusing. Suffice it to say I described them in detail in the original entry; the Dullys used the surgery as a discipline technique, and as a way to keep the Evil Stepmother happy, and the Kennedys used it to hide an inconvenient relative for political gain. Both recipients of the icepick to the brain were adolescents.

If that doesn’t frighten you, then I don’t know what can.


Episode 18: The Chameleon

Okay. A boy is murdered, mostly likely by a family member. A stranger shows up pretending to be that missing/murdered child, and is accepted into the family home as that child. At least one person in that home, if not more than one, plus the imposter, know it is all a farce. Imagine night after night after night of empty, false conversation and careful caginess, staring at each other. Plus, there was meth. Meth makes everything more frightening.

And think about the middle of the night. Being one of these people, unable to sleep, or awakening, and listening to the sounds of the house–knowing at least one person under that small roof isn’t safe, actually is a stranger. Absolutely chilling.

This episode reminded me of an article I posted to reddit, in /r/creepy:

Screen Shot 2015-10-09 at 10.01.42 PM


As it their wont, somebody from creepy eventually piped up with “that’s not creepy”, and I defended my stance so:


The implications are creepy: he had a child with a mystery. Started a home, raised a family, shared his most private moments with a stranger.

Just think about that, your daily shared intimacies with your family. Every little private thing about you…shared with someone who is not who you think they are…and you will never know who they were.

This entry is interrupted for a performance of the oogie dance.


Okay, recommendations to continue the Dollopween creepy family creepfest:

There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane (documentary): I will discuss this one under separate cover, because I don’t want to spoil it. It might actually make an interesting Dollop? I would really like to hear from Rubes that have seen it and/or know about the case, because every time I think about it, I feel…odd.

My Sweet Audrina * V. C. Andrews (novel): Most messed-up family EVAR. Most messed-up problem-solving from a family EVAR.

Don’t let anyone spoil this one for you. V. C. Andrews knew how to bring the Fucked Up Family mojo.

and so did my darling Shirley Jackson: We Have Always Lived in the Castle. I highly recommend this one on audio, because Bernadette Dunne slays it.

finally, for nonfiction: so many to choose from, but Ann Rule’s If You Really Loved Me, about the incestuous, boundary-devouring, David Brown family is a good start. Or…to dive right in to the sludge, you cannot get creepier than the no-boundary family of Fred and Rose West, in a new book by Jack Smith.


Now, nothing in this entry seem familiar? Thank your lucky stars, and send a family member a nice email or Facebook message.

Happy Dollopween.



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