Episode 102: Live: Alfred Lawson

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So everyone agrees Alfred is back on the sauce, right?
Al Madigral


I have to admit, when Dave said that Alfred talked about himself in the third person, and also called himself Alferd sometimes, I soooo hoped it was the other kooky third-person Alferd, Alfred Packer, the Colorado Cannibal. Darn. No munchies this time. I know, no serial killers, but I had a moment in time, and it was beautiful and dark and all mine.

One lone tear.

(but I can point you at a book, yes I can, WOOhahahaha: Man-Eater: The Life and Legend of an American Cannibal, by the splendiferous Harold Schechter)

Now, back to our show, already in progress.

Okay, let me dust off my counseling and psychology degrees. Completely idolizing one parent and denigrating the other? Red flag. Throw in the fact that his mother was the source of scorn: more red flags. Add father’s obsession with creating a perpetual motion machine? Set all red flags on fire, burn this shit down, game over, game over man.

The perpetual motion machine obsession was to that time what obsessing about chemtrails and false flag events is today. So not only was their family unbalanced, dysfunctional, and triangulated (manipulative, unequal power play bullshit), but Dad was the 19th century version of the creepy guy working in his basement all the time, muttering about black helicopters. Okay, he was Dale on King of the Hill, and we know what a good home life he provided.

So yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Lawson’s boy turned out to be narcissistic, and out of touch with his own identity. And he was L. Ron Hubbard before L. Ron was cool.

Stay with me, now.

Overly prolific speculative fiction author? Check.

Occupational changes on a whim? Check.

Whole hog into things he knew nothing about beforehand? Check.

Inside information that only the adept could learn, after overwhelming investments of money and time? Double check.

Religion as science, that can teach you the way the world really works? Check check ding ding ding!

He actually did coin the terms airline and airliner–when the grounded bird decided that he was going to be PLANE BOY. He started his magazine FLY in 1908, when only 3 people ever had piloted a plane. He wasn’t one of those three.
His company’s first plane crashed on its first takeoff.
No plane boy.

Oh, and then there was the baseball career: Boston Beaneaters (eventually became the Atlanta Braves) and the Pittsburgh Alleghenys (Pittsburgh Pirates). Played in the minors for a few years, and tried to jump straight from there to LEAGUE OWNER MAN. That’s a lot of jumps. His league folded within one month because it could not financially sustain itself. He tried with two more leagues. He founded and folded three leagues. That’s a whole lotta nope, folks.

And then…

This requires a musical intro, it’s so momentous. Play the video while reading the proclamation, if you please. Humor me, it’s hilarious.

The Complete Study Of Life And Everything Just As It Is None Of This Science Bullshit Do Not Even Talk To Me About That Einstein Bastard Talk To The Hand

Lawson found his calling. As he said himself, his birth in 1869 was

…the most momentous occurrence since the birth of mankind

Really. He said that. Let that sink into your brain pan and marinate for a second. Not too long, you’ll get an ice cream headache. I did.

And the University of Lawsonomy was born–and still lives! It’s alive!
4529 Highway 41, Sturtevant, Wisconsin 53177, 1-888-LAWSON-U


They even just had a reunion of alumni. To my heaving disappointment, that page is not available on lawsonomy.org right now.

And, all this chaos, to put my psyche hat back on, may have been in a futile attempt to either please Dad or be Dad. From mental_floss:

Given ideal circumstances, universal substances can achieve a “state of maturity” called “Equaeverpoise,” or “a perpetual movement of matter.” (Sound familiar?) Inside the body, Equaeverpoise is called “Lawsonpoise,” which — achieved via the proper combination of diet, hygiene, rest and exercise — can potentially allow a human being to live 200 years. In short, Lawsonomy leads one to become one’s own perpetual motion machine.

So the Lawsonomists are from Wisconsin. Know who else is?
Gareth, and his Packers.
The other Alferd’s last name was Packer.
What would Vince Lombardi do?
Not Gary, Gareth,


Band names from this episode:

Lawsomnic Thrust


Alferd’s Momma

Daddy’s Boy

Perpetual Lawson Machine



  1. Perpetual motion. Something for nothing. How anyone could believe it. There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. Somebody is paying for it.


    Thanks for so eloquently pointing out the circle,


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