Episode 119: Dollop: The Batavia

I may earn money from the participating companies linked in this post: Bookshop.org (supporting my nearby independent bookstore Bluebird & Co, in Crozet, VA) and/or Audible. My podcast is sponsored by Audible and Care/Of.

So her vagina is just going to take the shrapnel in this game of chess?


Two thoughts from your Momma Carla:

  1. I do believe this is the episode with the most utterances of the word “vagina” so far. (Add in “pussy”, and the counter explodes.) This fact boggles the mind when you realize the episode is about the worst shipwreck mutiny in history. Pirates, murder, mutiny, torture.  ‘Cause, you know, my vagina has been called some pet names, but “mutiny” or “wreck”, “eyepatch”, no, she hasn’t. Not even “painbench“, I’ll thank you. (Though I do have quite the lovely rack…I could pun this alllll day.)
  2. The special, ahem, hygenic usage of ladders and ropes by these fine, fine sailors and ship guests brings a new, horrific implication to the game of Chutes/Snakes and Ladders. Bust out the hand sanitizer.

I am baaaack, and the same old crude, silly yet intelligent and fascinated by everything as always. Miss me? Happy New Year, Rubes!


Batavia’s Graveyard: The True Story of the Mad Heretic Who Led History’s Bloodiest Mutiny * Mike Dash
Dutch East India Company: Wikipedia, thedollop.net tag

The Company: Portrait of a Murderer: A Novel * Arabella Edge

Jeronimus Cornelisz: the filling to the nutter-butter sandwich of chaos

Batavia * Peter FitzSimons

Francisco Pelsaert, Skipper to Cornelisz’ homicidal Gilligan

Voyage to Disaster * Henrietta Drake-Brockman

Wiebbe Hayes: the good guy, if there is one, in this hot bloody mess; certainly the only guy to keep his head

Lucretia Jans, or Lucretia van der Miles (all from Wikipedia):

The women were used as sex slaves, but Cornelisz reserved Jans for himself.

Nice to know that, even in the midst of a mutiny and massacre, spread over several islands, that calling dibs is still respected.

When the rescue team arrived from Batavia, Cornelisz was executed at the scene of the crime, and the rest were put on trial in Batavia. During the trial, it was alleged that Jans was guilty of “provocation, encouraging evil acts and murdering the survivors … some of whom lost their lives owing to her backhandedness”.

Great googily moogily, if “backhandedness” were illegal, these mean streets would be pert near empty, and we would have a very different presidential race.

Jans was put on trial and denied the charges. The court applied for permission to torture her, but it is unknown whether such permission were granted; she seems to have been acquitted of the charges…This led to a law change—that made reference to the case—which limited female passengers on ships, on the grounds that their presence led to disturbances.

Y’all get worked up by chicks, it’s always the excuse, from chicks on ships to, four hundred years later, yoga pants in schools, bitches be distracting and inciting. Blah blah blah.

Why is it that the name Lucretia seems to mark a woman with at least the taint of evil? Ask Ms. Borgia how that name worked out for her.

the ships:

Islands of Angry Ghosts: Murder, Mayhem and Mutiny: The Story of the Batavia * Hugh Edwards

There’s an opera based on this event. I love opera (no, really, I do, stop looking at me like that), but Batavia, The Opera? Dude. I cannot help imagine men in horned helmets chasing each other, wenches, and ladies from staged island to island, claiming each little island bloodily in a murderous toddler game of “MINE!” while set pieces of toilet ladders and shit ropes are lowered and raised in the background, and the occasional water-wave is flung onto stage for extra effect.

“This is Pussy Island!” Not actual crime scene.

And one more bit of weirdness for your enjoyment, ’cause that’s what I do:

Johannes (Jan) Symonsz van der Beeck, aka Johannes Torrentius: still-life artist. Nothing to do with nothing, right? Not even vagina?

…his works were ordered to be burned after he was accused of being a Rosicrucian adherent of atheistic and Satanic beliefs. The tortured painter was thrown into prison as a convicted blasphemer until being permitted to leave the country as a political gesture for England‘s Charles I, a Beeck admirer.

What the wha–?

Patience, my Rubes.

… The Hague pronounced him guilty of “blasphemy against God and avowed atheism, at the same time as leading a frightful and pernicious lifestyle.” It was widely believed that the condemned Torrentius’ influence had affected Jeronimus Cornelisz, a trader of the Dutch East India Trading Company who led a bloody mutiny…


“Frightful and pernicious lifestyle” could be a subtitle for this website and/or podcast.

Bands from this episode:

  • Upper Merchant, known for their remix of TarPussy’s underground sensation “Toilet Rope”
  • Deranged Midwife–one-hit wonder with “Devour the Placenta”
  • Syphilitic Mask
  • Traitors Island
  • Blowjob Island, with their #1 “Furry Ankle Pants”
  • Upper Trumpeter

Cultural references from this episode:


Oh, and a codicil just for Gareth: the barber-surgeon, your friend and mine. Always available for crotch-dentistrydraining the president, and somesuch and whatnot. You know, like Sweeney Todd? Fancy a shave, or a nice meat pasty?

Lucas-van-Leyden-barber-surgeonThat’s why barber poles have red stripes: The origin of the red and white barber pole is associated with the service of bloodletting and was historically a representation of bloody bandages wrapped around a pole...The original pole had a brass wash basin at the top (representing the vessel in which leeches were kept) and bottom (representing the basin that received the blood). The pole itself represents the staff that the patient gripped during the procedure to encourage blood flow.

You’re welcome, as always. *insert evil cackle*

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