Episode 41: Smollop: Samuel Whittemore

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You’ve been Whittemored!

On April 19, 1775, British forces were returning to Boston from the Battles of Lexington and Concord, the opening engagements of the war. On their march, they were continually shot at by colonial militiamen.

Thank you, Wikipedia. I relish that last sentence. “Continually shot at by colonial militiamen”. Why, I wonder. Could it be that they were marching through the lush green woods of Lexington and Concord in BRIGHT RED COATS?
That will never not be funny to us Americans. Never.
So the BRIGHT RED COATS are marching back to Boston, and they found Samuel (July 27, 1696 – February 2, 1793), who would become, unbeknownst to them, the oldest known colonial combatant in the Revolutionary War. 79 going on 80, he was farming in his field when he saw these goddamn BRIGHT RED COATS milling about, and Samuel wasn’t having it, no sirree. He then proceeded to go Bruce fucking Lee on those BRIGHT RED COATS with his musket, a set of dueling pistols, and his French sword. Don’t stand outside Samuel’s farm, milling about like you belong there in your dandy BRIGHT RED COATS, when there’s work to be done!
He tore them up, but they did do some damage, and thought they had left him for dead. His doctor thought he was dead.
Fuck that.
Samuel Whittemore lived to be 96 years old.
And he never, ever, ever, wore a goddamn BRIGHT RED COAT. Nosirree.

Crazy old men are terrifying!

Samuel Whittemore is now the state hero of Massachusetts, as he should be. Read more at revolutionarywararchives.org.
Band names from this episode:

  • 13 Bayonets
  • Redcoats
  • Redcoat Camouflage
  • King George’s Lunacy

Cultural references from this episode:

Guess who else they left for dead? Hugh Glass. That didn’t end in their favor, either.

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