Top 10 Takedowns of Stand-up Hecklers

I may earn money from the participating companies linked in this post: (supporting my nearby independent bookstore Bluebird & Co, in Crozet, VA) and/or Audible. My podcast is sponsored by Audible and Care/Of.

Thanks, Cracked.

Because Dave, Gareth, and our FODs, and their larger community have an incredibly difficult job doing stand-up. And I know difficult jobs. Want proof? I have managed homes for high psychosis/low IQ clients, I have had a counseling client tell me, very calmly, that Jesus told him to rape me, and another client sent me to the hospital with a fractured sternum. I. Know. Difficult.

Can you imagine doing your job while a room full of maybe-drunk people are staring at you? What if some of them interrupted your work by correcting your grammar, randomly woohooing, or telling you you suck? I’ll take the fractured sternum, frankly. That punch had a beginning and an end, and that night wrapped up with sweet, sweet narcotics.


  1. Matt Davis

All they hear is tiny, tiny dick.

  1. Jamie Kennedy
  2. Harry Terjanian

I’m not getting a blowjob from from you tonight, so it doesn’t matter to me.

  1. Rob O’Reilly

…you might want to stop by the clinic later.

  1. Kyle Cease
  2. Joe Klocek
  3. Joe Matarese

All you have to do to not get ripped on is shut the fuck up, it’s easy.

  1. Joe Rogan
    (In response to a small dick heckle)

I’ll wrap my dick around your neck and start you up like a fucking lawnmower.

  1. Patton Oswalt

You poor motherfucker. You’re going to miss everything cool and die angry.

  1. Bill Burr (v. Philadelphia)


Go to the Cracked link for videos. And, please, when you go to see live entertainment, zip it. And tip your server.

Back to Top