I fart in your general direction, Ancient Egyptian edition

I may earn money from the participating companies linked in this post: Bookshop.org (supporting my nearby independent bookstore Bluebird & Co, in Crozet, VA) and/or Audible. My podcast is sponsored by Audible and Care/Of.

Not a typo. Join me, won’t you, for a short little tale that is both inappropriate and not related to current events. I am skilled at both, as you know. See Cane I Ask You a Question for all your bull penis taxidermy needs and further proof. (Really–there’s even mediation flash cards!)

Now, then? Where were we? Yes, Egypt, 570 BCE.

Once upon a time, King Apries took over Jerusalem, is digging the high life, ruling Egypt, fending off the rival Babylonians. All is relatively chill. Then the Greeks of Cyrene stop minding their own business and storm Libya. King Apries waves a bejeweled hand in their direction, and some of his troops go to assist Libya, but not too well.

Commence Libyian grumbling. The troops suck, if King Prissy Pants cared about us we would get the big guns, blah blah, grumble grumble.

The King knows which side his bread is buttered (oiled? unsure of the bread flavoring in BCE Egypt) and knew there could be a grumble-fueled uprising. So he sent his trusty Guy Friday, General Amasis to quell, quash, and other q words.


The Libyians liked Amasis, started telling him he should be king, he started Kanye-ing around, forgetting his place and the reason he was there. Lost track of the time and his ego. It happens when you are Kanye-ing.

King Apries, meanwhile, was receiving no dispatches back from his most esteemed Guy Friday. So he sent another, Patarbemis, to remind Amasis to kindly hurry the hell up.

Patarbemis found that Amasis refused to return to the kingdom with him. Patarbemis asked what message he should give to the King.

Amasis raised himself in his saddle, farted, and offered that as his message to his King Apries.


He went there.

And it worked.

King Amasis ruled Egypt from 570 to 525 BCE.

Oh, and for delivering the fart message? Patarbemis’ nose and ears were cut off by Apries. I assume for smelling and hearing the fart? Said fart-related violence tweaked the people the wrong way–hard. And well, that’s how Amasis became king. For farting. And for not being Face Cutter Guy,

And I have one more frat brother story about Amasis. Some people pissed and moaned that he couldn’t be King because he was a commoner. Well, don’t mess with the guy who farted at the last king.

Amasis had a washbowl used for vomiting and washing feet broken into pieces, crafted into the image of a god, and placed in a public area where it was to be viewed with reverence. After letting people get a look, Amasis revealed the object of their adoration was previously a puke bucket. It was a fitting metaphor for a man who started an overthrow of Egypt with a flatulent flourish.

Source, including above quote: the wonderful mental_floss

original source, and source of many, many stories like this: The Complete Works of Herodotus

Really, there’s more. I took Ancient Literature in undergrad. Sometime I’ll share some scatalogical, talking outside someone’s name, and sex talk writing that’s two thousand years older than hip hop and the internet.

See? You feel better, I know you laughed, you learned something, and I was able to impart some knowledge while using the words fart and puke bucket. Win all the way ’round. Cheered me right up.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail Limited Edition Castle Catapult Gift Set

Back to Top