That special glow…

I may earn money from the participating companies linked in this post: (supporting my nearby independent bookstore Bluebird & Co, in Crozet, VA) and/or Audible. My podcast is sponsored by Audible and Care/Of.

…from head to toe asshole.

Yes, episode 99 returns, because I braved the Dimly Lit Web just for you. I didn’t enter, don’t get it twisted, but I climbed and peeked over the security fence.
Then I used a lab-quality eyewash, hid under my bed and sucked my thumb for an undetermined amount of time, and relearned how to write my name in occupational therapy. All for you guys.

All for you, all for creepier radium stuff. That’s love, Rubes. I haven’t shaken the voyage off completely yet, so let’s get vulgar, bitches.

Tamest first. A song, decades before the Barenaked LadiesLight Up My Room“, and, unlike BNL’s song about radiation, it is not intended to be funny, so therein lies the creep factor:

myradiumgirlI transcribed the lyrics for you, because I can’t be the only one to read this, and I already wear bifocals. Y’all don’t need to be squinting at 100-year-old sheet music.

Ev’ry girl is more or les a mystery

Ev’ry night there’s one I look for wistfully

‘Cause her vi’let ray

Stole my heart away

I yearn night and day

Just for her.

She is diff’rent from all other girls I know

He has set my poor brain a-whirling so

She’s mysterious

Seldom serious

I’m delirious

I love her

Radium Girl

Radium pearl.

At night your mystical rays I see

I feel your wonderful gaze on me

you’re so mysterious that I must love you

Vi’let hue, I’ll let you

Take me away wih you

To Gleamland

I’ll make it Dreamland

My Radium Girl.

(1915) Ziegfeld Follies

radiummusic1 radiummusic2 radiummusic3radiummusic4

growly dirty old man voice: I love it when your pubes glow on the dark. Paint ’em again tonight.

That’s really the gist of that “sweet” song. I like it when my girl irradiates her ladybits because then I can see where to land. I like a well-lit landing strip for my plane, bitch.

Why is Carrie Fisher shilling scary jaw-rotting water?

Nature’s laws demand that your insides match your glowing landing strip, ladies. NATURE’S LAWS. Put that Marcel wave in your hair, twirl the brush in your mouth at work, paint that landing strip and both sets of your pretty, pretty lips, and chug that Radium-Spa like the genteel lady you are.

radium1Don’t ever trust a doctor who 1) creates a word like “eyetome”; 2) calls himself an “Ocular Muscle Specialist”; 3) starts talking about cosmetics and ends talking about doing away with the need with glasses, because that means he is going to PUT THE RADIUM ON YOUR EYEBALLS; and 4) states that his address is “Los Angeles, VA”.




6a00d83542d51e69e20133f45ee1d2970b-piSex Power! Sex Power! Excuse me while I put on a blanket cape like a four-year-old and limp around the house hooting “Sex Power! Sex Power!” like the loon I am.

So much in that one ad, so much fabulousness in one little yellow ad. Shall I elaborate? Yes, I shall:

  • Medical ad using “thru”
  • “restorers of sex and energizers”. I think that will be my new morning mediation mantra.
  • “cocoa-butter base”–so you get that nice squishy feel, and that pleasant summery smell with your colon cancer.
  • “guaranteed entirely harmless”. Insert horror-laugh here.
  • “sexually weak men” should also take the Nu-Man tablets as well, because nothing complements colon cancer like stomach and esophageal cancer. That profuse bleeding will certainly let the ladies know you are Good to Go.
  • Also useful (“splendid”) for hemorrhoids and “rectal sores”. Because nothing fixes irritated tissue and sores like something that causes irritated tissue and sores on a whole different level.
  • Extra special icing on the cake: the drawn glow coming off the illustrated suppository, as it comes to save your virility. Look at me, not only am I upright and stiff like your boner will be, I am shining, much like Truth, Justice, and the American Way! Now, let’s get out there and fuck!


radium6Read the copy carefully. The Undark has adhesive in it. Adhesive. “It adheres firmly to any surface.” What?

Which makes all of the stories in the episode so much more weird and uncomfortable, and makes this entry so much more Dimly Lit.

I am also claiming “bark your shins” as a sexual euphemism. Redefine at your leisure and feel free to share.

Sex Power in Gleamland, Rubes! Let’s do this! Oofty Goofty!

episode 99: entry with episode mp3, episode tag


(lyrics to “Light Up My Room”)

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