Vintage American Imbibing

I will ease you into it with adult nudity and alliteration, because you will need easing in. Much like any Dollop episode, we will take a sudden dark turn. Hold on.

 

Dr. Pepper
Apparently, original recipe Dr. Pepper tastes like being molested by ocean wave fingers? That soda gots some kick, son.
7up
If Dr. Pepper has such a punch that it feels like masturbating ocean waves, let’s give some soda to a baby! Perfect sugar flying kick-a-pow for those developing teeth. Carbonated sugar, wholesome as fuck.
Heineken
7up didn’t keep the little fat bastard out of your hair? Give him a beer. That’ll shut him up so you can watch your soap operas.
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Or Budweiser. Budweiser is good.
Don’t want to share your beer with the little rugrat? Laudanum. Because opium will teach the kid who is in charge.
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When a baby drinks and uses that goddamn much, he is gonna want a nice smoke. Do him good. One for you, one for him.
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If you follow all of these advertisements’ directions, of course, there will be a problem. This is how to address the problem: with the hair of the dog. “Bogg’s Tawny Cocaine Port”. Plus two wrongs make a bottle of right. Note the “against his will or without his knowledge” bit. Always a good bet.
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All this has given you a headache, I’ll bet. No problem. Bayer’s Heroin hydrochloride. You might not feel better, but you won’t remember feeling badly.
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And I know your baby’s teeth came in so, so wrong from all that soda and beer. I’m sorry, but I tried to warn you. This will soothe his pain.

 

 

Episodes posted tomorrow, and no inappropriate babies. Promise. Pinky swear.

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