Vintage Mental Health Treatment Ads

I may earn money from the participating companies linked in this post: (supporting my nearby independent bookstore Bluebird & Co, in Crozet, VA) and/or Audible. My podcast is sponsored by Audible and Care/Of.

Heads up: They are exactly as insensitive and strange as you would expect. And the finale is a doozy.


Phosferine Tonic Wine
She doesn’t look “up to the mark”, she looks zombified.

Carla dunno.

I will admit, I will drink that daily if it will keep Dr. Freeman and his creepy techniques away. Bottoms up. Don’t want to be lobotomized then tickled by my doctor in a serial killer van, nope, glug glug glug.


Agitation Ah, the beginning of the Thorazine shuffle was to restrain your elders so you could spend their pensions and sell off their Hummels without all that muss and fuss, I see. ‘Murica!

Carla is confused.

Well now you take your right arm and you shake it all around,

and then you open up your mouth and you drool on the ground,

and then you try to speak but you just mumble a lot,

so you hold onto your head, cuz it’s the only one ya got,

and then you’re doing the shuffle, the Thorazine shuffle.

-– Never Mind the Sex Pistols, “Here’s Bongos, Bass, Bob”


But then…?


Oooohkay, I’ll work with you a little on this one. Kinda killing a fly with a sledgehammer, but…

(Does that poor man only have one leg? Am I an ass for even asking that? Don’t answer that.)


And, for the magical scroll-down surprise that only The Dollop can bring you…and which gave me an ice-cream headache…






NO. Fuck this, fuck Smith, Kline and French, fuck Big Pharma, fuck Little Pharma, fuck all the pharma, fuck ‘Murica, fuck 1954, fuck Philadelphia. This is me, throwing imaginary papers up into the air and storming out of the imaginary office that is this website, in order to go get drunk. Or something. No NO NO NONONONONONO.




“Billy, the good news is that we stopped the hiccups that have been bothering you. The bad news is that the Thorazine has caused tardive dyskinesia, which is more bothersome than hiccups, and permanent. Congratulations, my good man. My bill is in the mail.”


There’s even more at Have some Phosferine Tonic Wine first to fortify yourself. And hide your Hummels.


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